


a soul architect

by haipollai



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-11
Updated: 2016-05-11
Packaged: 2018-06-07 13:41:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6807322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haipollai/pseuds/haipollai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It feels like a bad cliche, sitting up in the middle of the night, his partner’s arm heavy over his stomach but unable to sleep. They're far enough removed from any roads the ceiling stays the same solid grey. Giving him nothing to focus on to distract himself from the way his head echoes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a soul architect

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lanyon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanyon/gifts).



> +written before game 6  
> +absolutely idfic  
> +kolya is apparently the russian diminutive of nicklas

It feels like a bad cliche, sitting up in the middle of the night, his partner’s arm heavy over his stomach but unable to sleep. They're far enough removed from any roads the ceiling stays the same solid grey. Giving him nothing to focus on to distract himself from the way his head echoes. 

Nicky wonders if he should risk sitting up, maybe getting some water. Alex is usually a heavy sleeper but Nicky has been caught before. Eventually he gets too restless just lying there and carefully rolls away from Alex’s arm. He immediately feels the loss, but lying there is going to drive him nuts. 

He doesn't look back as he leaves the bedroom, not wanting to know if Alex is awake or not. He just needs to get out of that room for awhile. 

People tease him about how thoughtful he is, and applaud his ability to see ten different angles and pick the right one. He wonders what they would think if they saw him these nights when his brain doesn't stop. It's different on the ice when he can focus on the game and everything happens so quick it keeps him busy. On nights when he can't sleep, there's nothing to stop his thoughts from twisting up in themselves. 

Greenie used to point out there were ways to help with that but Nicky has always refused. He doesn't know what that would do to him on the ice and he's not risking hockey. If the only price he has to pay is some sleepless nights, then he'll pay that. 

In the kitchen he finds some green tea buried behind the black tea he and Alex prefer. Orpik probably snuck it in. He makes himself a cup now before settling down at the kitchen table with a sigh. Despite being unable to sleep he still feels exhausted, his body wants desperately to sleep. 

Blake stirs from his bed and pads over to rest his muzzle on Nicky’s thigh. He sighs and scratches the dog behind the ear. 

“Sorry for waking you,” he says softly in Swedish. It's easier when he's tired like this instead of trying to sort out English on his tongue. He doesn't entirely know how he ended up falling for a man he will always have to use English with. They've both picked up each others languages over the years but not enough to be fluent. 

“You don't understand me at all,” Nicky continues. It seems safer to talk to the dog then continue that train of thought. He's explored it before, wondering if Alex one day will want someone he can go home to who he doesn't have to worry about communicating with. It's a stupid thought, they know how to talk to each other, but in the middle of the night it doesn't go away. “Maybe I should teach you Swedish.”

He yawns and rests his head on the table. “Probably just confuse you. Confuses me.” He bites his lip, feeling guilty for leaving Alex alone. “I won't. Promise.”

Blake whines and noses at his knee for more pets. 

“Needy,” he scratches under his chin though to the dogs obvious happiness, no idea or care what Nicky is actually saying to him. He wishes it was as easy to deal with everything else. The regular season is ending soon and he can feel the tang of past losses and past seasons on his tongue. It's what's kept him awake. This is supposed to be their year but what if he lets Alex down again?

He doesn't hear the footsteps so he jumps in surprise when a blanket is draped over his shoulders. He blinks, realizing he must have drifted off as well, Blake is no longer in arms reach and there's a second cup of tea now on the table. 

Alex has taken the chair next to him as well. 

Alex is pursing his lips, looking like a disappointed mother. Nicky smiles sheepishly and pulls the blanket tighter around himself. “Hi.”

“I tell you, wake me up.”

Nicky shrugs. He's told Nicky that multiple times and Nicky never has. “Wasn't worth us both getting a bad night's sleep.”

“Yes. You are worth it.”

Nicky feels his cheeks heat up and reaches for his now cold cup of tea but Alex stops him and pushes the fresh one into his palm. “Sasha,” he stops and pauses before continuing. “Spasibo.”

Alex smiles and taps his nose. “Can't distract me with Russian.”

“Sasha.” He sets aside the mug to take his hand. He loves Alex’s hands, there's nothing fragile about his hands. During nights that aren’t too bad, he can let himself feel safe pressed against Alex, knowing he’s strong enough to help Nicky up.Nicky presses their palms together, listening to Alex’s soft breathing as he waits. “You know you can't help with this.”

Alex immediately frowns and grips Nicky’s hand tightly. “Wrong. Can be here. Not good to be alone when your brain is lying to you.”

They're both too stubborn and Nicky is running on too little sleep, but he knows Alex is right. He's never going to agree to wake him in the middle of the night though. Alex must know that. “I can go back to bed with you now.”

Alex rolls his eyes. “You not sleep. Run with me. “

“Sasha it's-” He twists around to look at the clock on the oven which blinks 6:18 at him. “Oh.”

“Yes. Not too early.” Alex brushes his knuckles over Nicky’s cheek. “You sleep some down here.”

“Shit.” He rubs tired at his eyes, he doesn't feel very rested and now his body is making clear how awful the sleep he managed to get was. “Bed, please?”

Alex's eyes sparkle because he's an asshole. “But Nicky.” 

He climbs into Alex's lap. It cuts off his chuckle with a soft oomph when Nicky catches him in the stomach with an elbow. “I'm sorry for leaving you,” he mumbles, not totally sure what language the words are coming out in but Alex seems to understand anyway. He draws in a deep breath to focus himself. Alex is tipping his head back and kissing him before he can get out a sound.

“You need me here?”

Nicky nods, hating the bloom of shame in his chest. Alex will always be there for him, he knows that but it seems wrong to bother him with something as ridiculous as his midnight thoughts. 

“Then of course I'm here.” He's frowning which is not what Nicky wants, he's not supposed to be the one worrying. He curls a hand around the back of Alex's neck to pull him in for another kiss. “Moy Kolya,” he whispers against Nicky’s lips. “Stubborn idiot.”

“You came down here to argue with me.”

Alex presses his fingers to Nicky’s lips. “Not fair. I only want best. Next time you wake me and I kiss better right there.”

Nicky considers arguing that kissing doesn't make it better but decides it isn't worth it. By now Alex knows that but he always tries. “I'll consider it,” he says. It makes Alex light up and he holds Nicky tightly. 

“I know I can't fix. But like you, hate being useless,” he says softly. 

“Oh,” he breathes, he had never even considered that's what Alex was feeling. Not really. Maybe it's the circumstances, early morning in Alex's arms. Up close he can see the way Alex’s brow furrows, the worry plain visible in his eyes. It finally really sinks in. 

“Are you sad? Didn't mean that, don't be sad for me Nicky. Whatever is best for you, ok?” Alex’s hands move up his sides, running over his arms, taking on a slight frantic edge trying to apologize for a perceived slight.

“No, shut up.” He twists around as best he can to throw the blanket over both their heads. It feels safer like this, the rest of the world blocked out. “Next time, I'll wake you, ok?”

Alex rests his hands on Nicky’s hips, digging his fingertips in slightly. Solid and warm, just what Nicky needs from him. “Vänligen.”

“You can't distract me with Swedish.” He grins and leans close so their noses touch and then he angles his head to catch Alex's lips. Alex's fingers dig in deeper, pulling him closer. 

They have practice so can't do much but Alex doesn't seem ready to let go and if Nicky’s being honest, he doesn't want him to. “Take maintenance day,” Alex says softly, picking up on his train of thought. Nicky huffs a laugh, he really isn't good at keeping anything from him.

“I can't slack off now. Too close to playoffs.”

“Being ready means mental too,” Alex says, eyes narrowing, ready for the fight.

“I’ll go but stick to the gym.” He can't just stop, if he sits around at home all day he'll go nuts without the distraction of work, his thoughts will overwhelm him. Saying any of that out loud feels like admitting to a real problem, something that might require doctors and treatment and dealing with the migraines and allergies and his hip is already too much. So he just sticks his chin out, making it clear he's not backing down any further. 

Alex doesn't seem too pleased but he’s starting to falter. Nicky is touched he cares so much but it isn't the time. He touches their foreheads, sighing softly when Alex touches his cheek. “Promise. You're being smart, Kolya. Please.”

He softens at the nickname. It started in Moscow, someone had called Nicky that and Alex had lit up with jealousy and it became just his. Alex's Kolya. No one in Washington even knows about the nickname. Alex knows how it gets to him, something private. Personal. “Fine.” 

“Nicky,” Alex pouts. Nicky doesn’t know why he loves him sometimes. “Promise. I will let you go back to bed, ok?”

He huffs softly but the offer is too tempting to say no. “I’m being smart Sasha. I need to do this though. I can’t…” He trails off, choking up on saying any of it out loud, even to Alex. 

“Ok, is ok.” Alex murmurs. There’s no warning before he’s suddenly lifting Nicky up, physically carrying him back to bed. Nicky manages to choke off a yell before he embarrasses himself. “Stupid, smart Nicky,” Alex grumbles but he sounds so adoring. He buries his smile against Alex’s neck, letting himself be taken care of like this. It’s safer than trying to explain his thoughts and pressed so close Alex’s heartbeat echoes loud enough to ease Nicky’s thoughts, letting sleep start to grab him. He whines when Alex sets him down and tries to let go. “Some of us already sleep,” he laughs as he climbs into bed anyway, wrapping himself around Nicky.

“Thank you, älskling.”

“You speaking Swedish,” Alex says into his hair. 

Nicky focuses on Alex’s warmth and the solid pressure of his body, his arms wrapped around Nicky’s chest and legs on top of Nicky’s own, all just right to keep him grounded. And he doesn’t worry about it. Alex understands him well enough.


End file.
